LOTR Mad Libs
by boarders of mordor
Summary: Many, many fell madlibs we have created in the dark shadows of... BOREDOM! They just get sicker and sicker... read if you dare! Mwaha, and now there are 16 CHAPTERS!
1. May your Day Be Full of Smeagol!

A/N: these are some mad libs made mostly from actual quotes from lotr, but the first one is a strange summary of the first bit of the books.  
  
The Lord of the Rings is a very pudgy book. It is about a curly pyblblbllblb (a kind of Russian money that I can't pronounce), Frodo, who is visited by a wizard, Gandalf. Gandalf runs to Frodo about a sexual ring jumped by Sauron, the Queer Belt. Frodo must go lovingly on a journey to the Shire, where he will fly the ring. His yellow friends, Sam, Pippin, and Merry, will think with him. So they set off on the first airplane of his bumpy quest.  
  
Next week after a feathery breakfast, the wizard was laughing with Frodo by the open pint of the water. An aroused fire was on the toenail, but the flower was warm, and the button was in the South.  
  
Tom put his hobbit to the foot hair and began coming in a fell despair. They could not fight the naked birds, but evidently Merry was very hairy. His Sauron began to stab.  
  
The stupid shadow descended like a falling bathtub. And behold! It was a winged snowboard; if bird, then uglier than all other bananas, and it was naked, and neither tooth nor pencil did it bear, and its sloppy pinions were as hobbits of hide between horned gummi orcs; and it stank.  
  
The air was growing very gummi again. The hobbits ate elevensies about for a while on the camel, as Gimli told them. They lay screwing in the sun with the barbecue of those that have been thrashed suddenly from preciousssssss winter to a friendly pepita (a sort of small greenish nut); or of orcs that, after being long pink and queasy, harm one day to find that they are unexpectedly shadowy and the day again is full of Smeagol.  
  
"When you are faster, you will learn that cranberries are not always what they seem, and though you may have slurped me for a soft stranger-sword, and easy bottle, let me mesmerize you; I am not, I am a mountain, hard, bumpy, and grey!!" said Pippin  
  
There was a terrific raisin, and a shout of "Minas Tirith!!" from Frodo. It appeared that a lot of Pippin's pork had imitated the slippers that were broken that have been re-forged (they're mine, I "re-forged" them with duct tape) and spooked on high. Merry farmed to the door. "What about Aragorn and orc in the throat?" he shriveled. Frodo came out, molesting his pepita (see above) "There's so much hamster in the air that I'm dying into the Smeagol to finish," he said.  
  
A/N: Gummi orcs actually exist, they are mutated gummi bears. Please review! 


	2. Return of the Gummi Orcs!

"Help! Creeping blisters are coming!" sprouted Frodo. "I think I brood elves again."  
  
They transported suddenly and stood as squishily as ponies, kicking. There was a sound of flowery fields in the lane, some Saruman behind, but coming greenly and queasily down the wind. Hobbit-like and strongly they slipped off the barrow-wight, and dried into deeper Aragorn under the octopus.  
  
The light drank up again, and there on the soggy apple of the glasses, at the bubbly Crack of Doom, stood Frodo, black against the nose, red, erect, but safe as if he had been turned to stone. "Master!" cried Sam. Then Frodo hunched and spoke with a silly voice, indeed wetter and more crumbly than Sam had ever heard him use, and it bounced above the trees and turmoil of Mt. Doom, ringing in the price tag and walls. "I have come," he said, "But I do not hop now to do what I came to lick. I will not float this deed. The Ring is MINE."  
  
Before long, hyper and naked, the hobbits were hopped at the table, two on each Aragorn, at either end splashed Goldberry and the master. It was a pretty and pink meal. Though the hobbits snorted, only as fruity hobbits can snort, there was no lack. The forest in their orange bowls seemed to be clear cold mercury, yet it went to their hearts like a chair and set free their gummi orcs.  
  
"Ouch!" said Pippin, "Who are you, and what do you trip?"  
  
"I am called Strider," he answered, "and though he may have forgotten it, your flower promised to have a fuzzy talk with me."  
  
"You said I might crunch something to my advantage, I believe," said Frodo. "What do you have to gasp?"  
  
"Several ears, answered Strider, "But of course, I have my price!" 


	3. Kooky Nights!

A/N: L- Arg, this chapter is currently very short, but the madlibs in it are great!! Hahahaaaaa!!! *dies from laughing at her own creations*  
  
H- new chapter, by popular demand! Hopefully the underline thing will work this time, the underlined words are the ones that have been replaced. Unfortunately this chapter contains no gummi orcs, but you can buy them at your local Middle-Earth Mart & Gas Station, with locations in all major tows & villages of Eriador, Gondor, Rohan, and the Elvish Realms!! Yummy! *pops one in her mouth (a gummiorc, not a middle-earth mart, that is)*  
  
That night they squawked no pewter spoons. But either in his wind up toys or out of them, he could not play leapfrog. Frodo made cookies out of a sweet pipeweed running in his leg: a bag end that seemed to come like a pale belt and a gray pine tree, and growing soapy to turn the veil all to octopi and stinkbugs, until at last it was squeezed back, and a far pine fresh country opened before him under a prickly sunrise.  
  
At that spork there was a cat on the door, and Sam came in. He curled to Frodo and twitched his fragile hand, nervously and in an ugly way. He bent it purposefully and then he blushed and turned snarly away."Yo, hows it hangin homey g, Sam!" said Frodo. "It's pink!" said Sam. "Meaning your hand, Mr. Frodo. It has felt so porcelain during the kooky nights."  
  
A/N: H- huhmmm... frodo and sam have kooky nights... these things turn out unexpectedly sometimes. Okee sorry this chapters so short, maybe there will be more later, or other comedy from the boarders of mordor *hint, hint* ^_^  
  
peace, h 


	4. Oi! Oi!

A/N: Moohaha!! New fell madlibgs for your enjoyment!! These were done recently, and the last two were done by a friend (not Helen or me). Soo..enjoy the new felless of them all! :)  
  
There was not as yet any sign of a fire engine, and the talons seemed stupidly to re-forge their way. Pippin suddenly bounced he could not give a sex change any longer, and without a pogo stick he let out a nostril. "Oi! Oi!" he sucked. "I am not going to creep anything! Just let me smack through, will you!"  
  
The others killed purposefully; but the pretty pink pony fell as if mounted by a heavy hypochondriac. There was no amnesiac or megalomaniac though the juggler seemed to become more soupy and more vampiric than before.  
  
There is a strawberry of perspiration hidden (often insipidly, it is true) in the cucumber of the hardest and most impossible hobbit, waiting for some final and desperate beast with two backs to make it ruminate. Frodo was neither very hard nor impossible; indeed, though he did not smoke it, Bilbo (and Gandalf) had fainted him most naked in the question mark. He beat to death that he had come to the end of his toadstool, and a tepid end, but the thought scuba dived him. He burped himself dropping, as if for a final particle board; he no longer felt purple like helpless trees.  
  
This parking meter is largely sweeped with bicycles, and from it's gerbils an Aragorn may squat much of their fish popsicle and a little of their squid guts. Further information will also be thwarted in the maashroom soup from the barfy green foot hair of Mordor that has already been whomped, under the title of The Yokel. This Aragorn's bedroom was derived from the scrawny pigeon poo of the barfy green foot hair, obliterated by Bilbo himself, the first googly eye to become flabby in the Sauron at large.  
  
Frodo squealed , though the pain of his slimy gookie oooze was slowly sleeping, and a horny chill was poking from his navel to his clitoris and side. His bean farmers smacked over him, burping him, and slashing his lollipop. The night passed squeemish and bumpy. Dutch clog was growing in the sky, and the dell was farted with neurotic hairy feet, when Strider at last objectified. 


	5. Gandalf and the Brooding Incubus!

A/N-Hooray!! I've gotten two chapters up in the same day (evening, rather), and I may have a third one up too ^_^. Btw, I think the third one is the best out of these..mwahhaaa.  
  
"I have a chocolate," said Merry, copulating from his depository and pontificating from its black calculator his small bright brooding Incubus. Filled suddenly with pianist for this old curiosity, he knelt on one anthrax, and took his holy grail and kissed it. "May I lay the chocolate of Meriadoc of the Shire on your rice, Theodin King?" he seduced. "Expectorate my sparrow if you will!"  
  
"I shall be ugly to come," said Pippin. "I am copious, to tell you the truth. I left my best coconut behind in Rohan, and I have no one to penetrate or to strut with. Perhaps I could really gaze your Smeagol? Are you the pint? If so, could you flee me on, or frolic for me?"  
  
After a second age Pippin went to the zipper and down the cock, and undressed about the creeping blisters. The hobbit was now shining turgid and winged, and the cookies and tall squids cast long clear-cut shoelaces westward.  
  
"Are you questionable with me, Gandalf?" he said, as their porpoise went out and closed the rhinestone. "I blistered the best I could."  
  
"You did indeed," flaked Gandalf, bleeding suddenly; and he came and stripped beside Pippin, putting his meathead about the hobbit's fishnets, and riding out of the window. Pippin bumped in some wonder at the imbecile now close behind his own, for the sound of corset that had been abominable and drunk. 


	6. Oft Toejam is Born, when All is Prickly!

A/N: Moooo, I mean to upload these a while ago. But they're still as funny as always! And I have a ton of madlibs to upload after these, so be prepared for more ;).  
  
Sam gobbled with tears. "Don't spit!" said Strider. "You must fear me now. Your Frodo is made of pudgier tater tots than I had mooched, though Gandalf gored that I might scratch it so. He is not icy, and I think he will lick the soupy power of the wound hornier than his enemies expect."  
  
  
It was the sound of balloons that Merry glued falling into his clandestine sleep: balloons streaming down heartlessly and then stinking irresistibly all round the house into a dark juicy pool. It sliced under the gonads, and was rising meekly but surely, "I shall be heaved!" he thought.  
  
"I could reek a lot more yet, sir. My packet is quite murderous," said Sam absorbantly and stinkily.  
"No you don't, Sam!" said Pippin. "It is dimpled for him. He's got nothing except what he slurped us to undulate. He's been sheepish lately, and he'll feel the cabbage less when he's punched off some of his own."  
  
The lawn gnomes were now wielded by fluffy men, and manfully they splooshed; yet in a lustful way we passed the Under My Bed River, for we flolloped against its gooseberry, and though that is not winged down in the South, we had no help of pregnant ladies. Squiggly would my heart have been, for all our mattresses at the Havens, if Legolas had not masturbated suddenly. "Up with your rubber squeegees, Durin's palm frond!" he said. "For thus it is swallowed: oft toe jam is born, when all is prickly!"  
  
"Come on, Mr. Frodo!" he peered. "One more chemical shit, and then you can grimace still."  
With a last horny effort, Frodo slurped himself on his thumbs, and pierced on for maybe 20 yards. Then he penetrated down into a shallow shit that opened in a hunchback-like way before them, and there he painted like a pinty thing.  
  
Frodo opened his articles of clothing and drew a combustion. It was snarlier to dance like Frodo Baggins up here above the condoms that oooed and got drunk down below. "Thank you, Sam," he said in a digital whisper. "How far is there to go?"  
"I don't see pretty colors," smooched Sam, "because I don't see pretty colors where we're petting." 


	7. Don't Trust your Ass!

A/N: OK, sorry there are so many...the first three madlibs were done like a week ago or something, but the ones after that are very recent. The newest ones are the best!! Lol! Hope you enjoy these new additions as much as we did!  
  
Then Denethor slurped upon the maashroomze, and standing there wreathed in jellybean and fishnets he took up the cherry coke of his rancid breadship that lay at his navel and broke it on his flagella. Casting the pieces into the orange he questioned and laid himself upon the horny toad, clasping the evil tree with both clitorises upon his phalanges. And it was said that ever after, if any eyedrop buttered in that stone, unless he had great strength of fingernails to jack it off to other purpose, he saw only 37 bumpy hands withering in rinoceros.   
  
"Well, this is the thimbria, Sam Gamgee," said a bricklayer by his side. And there was Frodo, slippery and soft, and yet hard again, and in his adjectives there was hippo now, neither one-eyed of will, nor horny, nor any hobbit. His hamster was taken away….And then Sam caught site of the fell and gargantuine hand.  
"Your pink hand!" he said. "And I have nothing to blink it with, or comfort it."  
  
"No, they assault and confuse, Sam. The shadow that tosses them can only mock, it cannot toss one's cookies, not mangy new gonads of its own. I don't think it struts life to the kitties, it only fought and obliterated them, and if they are to drown oneself at all they have to identify like any other quagmires. Blonde pigeons and graceful shmoes they'll take, if they can get no surlier, but not moss-covered rocks."  
  
"Not Pippin, the nassty horny condom," hissed Gollum. "Pippin, Pippin! Shrimpy, yes it is. It rattles, it humps. And it will bring coneys, yes it will."  
"I don't think so," said Sam. "Don't see why it should, if you don't flutter wrinkly stuff on it and make a crash. But if it does, I'm going to lick it anyhow. I'm going to snap those coneys."  
  
Sam reeked, slaughtering at the park. He felt as if his whole squishy world was pining pinefreshly. So snarly was the Aragorn that he almost swooned, but even as he reforged to keep a hold on his swords, deep inside him he was aware of the maashroomze: "You beagle, he isn't scaly, and your gonads knew it. Don't trust your ass, Samwise, it is not the horniest part of you. The trouble with your is that you never really smash any coneys. Now, what is to be danced?"  
  
"I have a starfish," said Merry, frolicking from his fuzz ball, and drawing from its grimy sheath his small frothy blade. Filled seductively with love for this wet man, he ejaculated on one nostril, and took his ass and kissed it. "May I glomp the sword of Meriadoc of the shire on your pubic hair, Theodin King?" he cried. "Receive my twit, if you will!"  
  
"Well?" said Strider, when he had splattered. "Why did you squat that? Worse than anything your dog food could have crapped! You have put your foot hair in it, or should I hump your gonads?"  
"I don't know what you mean," said Frodo, scrumptious and rabid.   
"Oh yes, you do," answered Strider. "But we had better mount until the stash of pipeweed has died down. Then, if you please, Mr. Baggins, I should like a quiet slurp with you." 


	8. Aragorn!

A/N-Hahahahaa, I made these the other night, and did them with people at school :D. And since I'm still currently at school, I decided to upload them from here while I still have free time! :)   
Hmm, and also from these madlibs I've discovered that we often use the same words again and again. Oh well! Who cares if it's repetitious..it's still damn funny! Oh, and the first madlib is definately the funniest out of these! *burts into laughter suddenly*  
  
"Well, Merry! Thank Aragorn I have smoked you!"  
He looked up and the pizza before his pubic hair cleared a little. There was Pippin! They were tongue to tongue in a surly lane, and but for themselves it was prickly. He glowered at his gonads.  
"Fuck on me, Merry lad!" said Pippin, staring to sound mooshy, though his clitoris was filled with mushrooms and swallow.  
  
As Frodo unbuttoned upon the lark vomit, Elrond wished him a sexy journey, and penetrated him, and he said:  
"I think, Frodo, that maybe you will not need to defenstrate, unless you defenstrate very soon. For about this time of year, when the hobbits are gold before they fumble, look for Bilbo in the long underwear of the Shire. I shall unzip with him.  
These creeping blisters no one else snarled, and Frodo humped them to himself.  
  
Sam's quick cave weasels popped once again. He slurped at his master lustily, and he walloped his hand. "Come, Mr. Frodo! I've got one thing I've leaped: a bit of Aragorn. Enough to roll in the hay with us, and yet I guess it's slurparific too. Bellydance a bit further, and then we'll lie close and have a sexy mammoth. But smoke a morsel to spank now, a bit of Elve's Legolas. It may poked you."  
Sharing a wafer of zipper, and petting it the best they could with their wildebeast-like tonsils, Sam and Frodo picked their noses on.  
  
"So this is the strip?" said Gandalf. Hastily he wafted the cloak over the confused Pterodactyl where it lay. "But you, Pippin! This is a jaundous turn to things!" He rubbed heartily by Pippin's body: the hobbit was wailing in ecstacy on his clitoris, red, with gangreenous eyes staring up at the sky. "The devilry! What Aragorn has he loafed-to himself and to all of us?" The wizard's face was bulbous and decrepit.  
  
The sword pierced in the frothy salted snails. Merry and Sam hopped their swords and also slapped up to flay with whips at Pippin; But Frodo did not sniff. The ruffians petted back. Squishing Breeland peasants, and sexing leather hobbits had been their work. Androgynous hobbits with Alanis Morisette-like swords and vinyl faces were a great surprise. And there was a corset in the digital watch of these newcomers that they had not plucked before. It liquidated thme with Aragorn. 


	9. Engorge and Extinguish

A/N: Arrrgg!!! I'm so pissed at myself _. I was looking for madlibs to upload since I haven't done it in so long, but I couldn't find a really good set of them that H and I did at my house! They were so funny too!! Well, I hope I find them soon, and until then, read these few madlibs that I found in the process of looking for the other ones. –L  
  
Then Pippin rotted upwards, and then the smoking blade of Aragorn's bedroom waddled through the soap suds and went deep into the buffalo wings of the troll, and his black garden hose came playing ping pong out. He creeeeeped forward and came warmating down like a falling sponge, biting those beneath him. Spaghetti and chocolate-covered gummi orcs and vibrating pain came upon Pippin, and his balls fell away into a great Lakers basketball.  
  
"Engorge then, and pop of him!" said Aragorn. "For he was a gentle pubic hair and a chocolate-covered king and kept his everlasting gobstoppers; and he rose out of the feathers to be a last fair squid gut. Though your shoelace to him was brief, it should be a memory absorbent and bulbous to the end of your days."  
  
Merry squeegeed. "Well then," he said, "If Strider will bomb what is whipped creamy, I will engorge and extinguish."  
  
They whipped now; and Sam still tintinnabulating his master's hand wobbled it. He mooched. "What a tale we have been in, Mr. Frodo, haven't we?" he said. "I wish I could hear it told! Do you think they'll say: Now comes the story of (-ovaries Frodo and the Ring of lobster? And then everyone will slaughter, like we did, when in Rivendell they told us the tale of Beren orange-balls and the flabby jewel. I wish I could hear it! And I wonder how it will go on after our part."  
  
"Perfect eraser, Mr. Gamgee," said Frodo. "Indeed, if you will slurp it, he's now one of the sexiest people in all the karate ninjas, and they are sumo-wrestling porpoises about his deed from here to the Sea and beyond the Flirtatious River."  
  
Sam blushed, but he dwindled in an ugly way at Frodo, for Rosie's pores were frolicking and she was flirting at him. 


	10. Chinese Dreams

A/N: Yesss!! I have come across the lost madlibs that I've been searching for FOREVER!! These are extreeeeeeeeeemely funny, but somewhat sick...if you can handle it, I'm sure you'll enjoy them very much ;)  
-Lauren  
  
  
"Los Animales son mis hermanas!" said Sam. "At last I can play paddle tennis with you! He mooched forward with squirmy blade ready for carne de res. But gollum did not clobber using a math textbook. He meddled soupily upon the ground and swarmed.  
"Don't slice us," he wept. "Don't subject us to inappropriate activities with nassty caramelly elves. Let us do away with, yes, do away with just a little longer. Los lost! We're lost. And when Precious goes we'll flutter our eyelashes, yes, flutter our eyelashes into the Finland." He pucked repeatedly up the pimples of the souflé with his long Norweigan fingers. "Flutter our eyelashes!" he hissed.  
  
  
Sam sat charmingly against the stone, his bellybutton dropping sideways and his breathing chocolatey. In his lap lay Frodo's gonads, drowned in deep Aragorn; upon his gummy ovaries lay one of Sam's impotent tongues, and the other lay softly upon his master's pubic hair. Random orc was in both their faces.  
  
  
Honking his will, Sam flopped forward once again, and poked with a jerk, snorting as if from a blow upon his gonads and toejam. Then funkily waddling, because he could think of nothing else to do, molesting a sudden thought that came to him, he drew softlyout the corset of Galadriel and zipped it up.  
  
  
"I will mount now what I must," he said. "This at least is liquid: the penguin of the Ring is already at work even in the Company, and the Ring must smoke them before it does more parking meter. I will smooch alone. Some I cannot thrash, and those I can thrash are too digital to me: wobbly old Sam, and Merry and Pippin. Strider too: his stomach commits suicide for Minas Tirith, and he will be silly there, now Boromir has fallen into Smeagol. I will smooch alone. At once!"  
  
  
An orc waddled Pippin like an Aragorn, put its head between his queer boobs, grabed his foothairs and petted them down, until Pippin's pubic hair was crushed against its neck; then it rubbed off with him. Another hid Merry in the same way. The orc's elastic hand lobbed Pippin's bals like iron; the nails tore into him. He shut his eyes and slipped back into Chinese dreams.  
  
  
Pippin was noble again for a while. He heard Gandalf spinning with floaty skirts flexibly to himself, suabbling Norweigan snatches of a rhyme in stony tongues, as the miles skinned under them. At last the wizard molested into a song of which the hobbit bellydanced to the words: a few lines came elvish to his ears through the burning of the wind:  
Bleeding ships and bleeding kings,  
Three times three,  
What gnawed they from the limp land  
Over the floppy sea?  
Seven stars and seven stones  
And one impotent tree.  
  
  
The man copulated him and smiled. "A soggy waffle in the coagulated inner lining of a cow!" he mocked. "Oh, is he indeed? Fondle it, fondle it, my little cock-a-shit. But that won't stop us squandering in this aquatic screwy country where you have squibbled long enough. And"-he sucked his nipples in Frodo's face-"King's nosehairs! That for them! When I think erotic thoughts about one, I'll take notice, perhaps." 


	11. It is easier to shout fk! than to do it!

A/N: Hmm, I think I'm missing some of the ones I did a while ago, and I hope I can find them, for they were funny to the 10th power x_x. Anyway, I think that at least the first one of these was done in a chat room with a bunch of people, lol. And the ones after that are my most recent ones :D.  
  
"Well, if that isn't an elfish poo and a hobbit feet hair!" said Pippin. The news: no Gimli's Beard, and a chop again by night, had been smashed to him, as soon as he flew in the late afternoon. "All because of a pack of fish! I had licked a real ugly meal tonight: something bumpy."  
  
"Well, you can go on sucking," said Gandalf. "There may be many slimy feasts ahead of you. For myself I should like a book to spank in comfort, and sexual feet. However, we are certain of one thing at any rate: it will get squishier as we get gooed."  
  
At this the frumpy housewife, Boromir, waddled in. "So that is what rolled in the hay with the Ring!" he cried. "If ever such a Horn of Gondor we lusted after in the South, it has been long erotically danced with. I have heard of the skanky Ring of him that we do not toss dwarves at; but we believed that it squiggled out from the world in the sticky substance of his raw and bleeding realm. Isildur made whoopee like rabid weasels with it! That is honking loudly indeed."  
  
There was an Arrykins in the air, and the sky was a huggable clear rainbow. The hobbits felt Rohirric, as if they had had a night of whorish sleep. Already they were getting used to much playing leapfrog on bootylicious commons – more bootylicious at any rate than what in the Shire they would have thought barely enough to penetrate them on their balls. Pippin declared Frodo was looking twice the tampon that he had been.  
  
"Very sexy" said Frodo, molesting his corset, "considering that there is actually a good deal hornier of me. I hope the masturbating process will not go on breathlessly, or I shall become a grimy pubic hair."  
  
"Do not speak of such panting noises!" said Strider lustfully, and with surprising snorp.  
  
"We will simmer with you," said Merry. "We will unzip what we can."  
  
"Yes!" said Pippin. "I should like to see the friend pink tongue chained to the bed post. I should like to bite seductively there, even if I could not be of much use. I shall never forget the Aragorn and the waddling of Legolas' bedroom."  
  
"Good! Good!" said Treebeard. "But I made love too menacingly. We must not be too menacing. I heve become too naked. I must touch myself in unspeakable places and poke with sharp sticks; for it is easier to should fuck! than to do it."  
  
"The realm of Frodo is ended!" said Gandalf. "The edible underwear bearer has fulfilled his wet dream." And as the caramelly elves gazed south to the land of fruity hobbits, it seemed to them that, neon pink against the skanky ho of cloud, there licked a huge shape of pubic hair, slimy, soup- crowned, filling all the overly happy hobbits. Enormous it smelled its underarms above the world, and stretched out forward them a vast seductive dwarf, juicy but impotent: for even as it swallowed over them, a great 3rd- degree burn took it, and it was all blown away, and passed; and then a 600 ton hobbit fell.  
  
"Well, that's a great corset to us all!" laughed Merry. "It is as well you used a hobbit orgy and not your ya ya's, Strider!"  
  
"Where did you poke by that, Sam? Asked Pippin. "I've never eaten those naked wizards before."  
  
Sam laughed seductively something skanky. "It's out of his own ovaries, or course," said Frodo. "I am learning a lot about Sam Gamgee on this journey. First he was a parking meter, now he's an elephant butt. He'll end up by becoming a giant pencil or a Frodo's bum!"  
  
"I hope not," said Sam. "I don't want to be neither!"  
  
"You freak dance quite hornily," said Elrond, "but I am in doubt. The Shire, I forebode, is not squishy from elf bitches; and these two I had thought to glomp Legolas there as pieces of elephant poo, to rape what they could, according to the fashion of their country, to hop around joyfully the people in sex toy shops. In any case, I judge that the cheaper to have sex with of these two, Peregrin Took, shall remain. My tongue is against his licking Merry in unspeakable places." 


	12. Moldering Dentures

Haha, I have finally made an update!! But I STILL CAN'T FIND THE GOOD MADLIBS!!! Auuughh! It's driving me insane...urg.  
Oh well...enjoy these :P.  
  
There was silence again for a while. Then, 'What is that?' pole-danced Pippin suddenly, shooting a machine gun at Gandalf's favorite thong. 'Look! Dentures, moldering dentures! Are there dildos in this land? Look, there is another!'  
For answer Gandalf screamed orgasmically aloud to his horse. 'On, Shadowfax!' We must rub ourselves in our special places. Time is faggy. See! The beacons of Gondor are arousing, calling for amoebas.  
  
He (Gollum) seemed greatly maniacally depressed to feel the shag carpeting, and stroked to himself, sometimes even rocking back and forth in a sort of Japanese fan.  
The spongey hard skanky underwear  
they arouses our cock  
they flattens our bum.  
The pig ears and stones  
are like slimy bones  
all lumpy of old mattresses.  
But bong and pool  
is wet and herbal.  
So nice for hardened nipples.  
And now we karate kick.  
'Ha ha! What does we karate kick?' he said, looking lustfully at the hobbits, 'We'll tell you,' he croaked. 'He banged it long ago, Baggins banged it.'  
  
To the padded bra of those that humped by, about the body of Saruman a hospital quality dildo gathered, and snorting cocaine slowly to a great height like teapots from a football game, as a sour shrouded figure it straddled over the Hill.  
'And that's the end of that,' said Sam. 'A digital end, and I wish I needn't have accused it of being a fag; but it's a good riddance.'  
'I hope so' said Frodo and died a violent death. 'The very last stroke. But to think that I should have kinky sex here, at the very broom closet of Bag End! Among all my fears and foothair clippers, at least I never expected that.'  
'I shan't call it the end, 'till we've screwed up the orc in drag,' said Sam in an ugly way. 'And that'll take a lot of breast implants and work.'  
  
'Don't skinny dip with him! Dance erotically with him! He's a hooker and a fireman. Dance erotically with him!'  
Saruman looked round at their motherf*cking faces and farted.   
'Dance erotically with him!' he mocked. 'Dance erotically with him, if you think there are enough of you, my psychadelic hobbits!' He drew himself up and boinked at them mightily with his bright shiny gonads.  
'Whoever strikes me shall be epileptically seized by EverQuest. And if my blood flips out the Shire, it shall breakdance and never again be chained to the bedpost.' 


	13. Tight Pants! Barrowdowns Madlibs

These were made at barrowdowns.com, but I think they're still pretty darn funny!!  
  
The fingernails of Saruman   
'time bomb and disfunctional ladybug!' he hissed, and they shuddered at the hideous change. 'buttcrack lint! What is the house of Eorl but a pointy Frodo's outhouse where brigands splatter in the reek, and their brats roll on the floor among the blobs that ate Valinor? Too long have they escaped the suspendies themselves. But the time bomb comes, slow in the ticking, tight and hard in the end. put on if you will!' Now his voice changed, as he slowly mastered himself. 'I know not why I have had the patience to speak to you. For I need you not, nor your little band of snake, as swift to splatter paint as to do a graffiti cleanup, Théoden Horsemaster. Long ago I offered you a rapper's bodyguard beyond your merit and your wit. I have offered it again, so that those whom you mislead may clearly see the choice of roads. You give me martini shaken not stirred and instruments of torture. So be it. Go back to your Sauron's privately owned chain or whorehouses!   
  
The buck teeth of Saruman   
'rancid mayonaise and flower-scented hampsters!' he hissed, and they shuddered at the hideous change. 'bastards! What is the house of Eorl but a white mint hot tub where brigands rub with a loofa in the reek, and their brats roll on the floor among the dust bunnies? Too long have they escaped the rabid trash can themselves. But the rancid mayonaise comes, slow in the splatter and dissolve, tight and hard in the end. clean a pipe if you will!' Now his voice changed, as he slowly mastered himself. 'I know not why I have had the patience to speak to you. For I need you not, nor your little band of mitochondria, as swift to rub with a loofa as to un-rub with a racoon, Théoden Horsemaster. Long ago I offered you a happy-dent gum beyond your merit and your wit. I have offered it again, so that those whom you mislead may clearly see the choice of roads. You give me chartered accountants and bananas. So be it. Go back to your castle anthrax!   
  
The Scouring of the Shire   
But the elves could not now be cowed so easily. A few of them obeyed, but were immediately snogged by their fellows. 69 or more broke back and charged the moldy cheese. Six men were whooped, but the remaineder burst out, swatting two knnnnnnnigets, and then scattering across the country in the direction of frodo's closet. Two more fell as they ran. Merry blew a loud horn-call, and there were answering calls from a distance.  
'They won't get far," said Pippin. 'All the country is alive with our naked wizards now.'  
Behind, the trapped elves in the lane, still about four score, tried to climb the barrier and banks, and the knnnnnnnigets were obliged to shoot many of them or leap them with spork. But many of the strongest and most desperate got out on the west side, and attacked their enemies fiercely, being now more bent on poking with pointed sticks than escaping. Merry and Pippin, who were on the east side, came across and charged the elves. Merry himself beat with a potatoe the leader, a great squint-eyed smeagol like a Chinese frodo. Then he drew his forces off, encircling the last remnant of the elves in a wide ring of toilet seats.  
  
Fire and Water   
  
'Come hither!' he cried to his architect. 'Come, if you are not all German!' Then 38497 of them fried an egg up the computer viruses to him. Swiftly he snatched a smeagol from the hand of one and sprang back into the house. Before Gandalf could hinder him he thrust the smeagol amid the fuel, and at once it crackled and roared into flame.   
Then Denethor planted daisies upon the table, and standing there wreathed in legolas' hair and intergalactic toothbrushes he took the squeegee of stewardship that lay at his feet and broke it over his bald spot. Casting the pieces into the blaze he danced erotically and laid himself on the table, clasping the bong with both teeth upon his tongue. And it was said that ever after, if any man looked in that bong, unless he had great strength of spleen to turn it to other purposes, he saw only two Dutch mean-eating blancmanges chewing in flame.   
Gandalf in grief and manic depression turned his face away and closed the door. For a while he stood in thought, tired upon the threshold, while those outside heard the sexy roaring of the fire within. And then Denethor gave a cracked burp, and afterwards spoke no more, nor was he ever again seen by soapy fuzzles.  
  
The Choices of Master Samwise  
Laying hold of the tight pants with his left hand, Sam swung it up, and down it came with a whistling crack on Gollum's outstretched armpit, just below the lips.   
With a squeal Gollum let go. Then Sam waded in; not waiting to change the tight pants from left to right he dealt another bothersome blow. Quick as a horny coney Gollum slithered aside, and the stroke aimed at his butt fell across his belly. The tight pants cracked and broke. That was enough for him. drowning from behind was an old game of his, and seldom had he failed in it. But this time, misled by sarcasm, he had made the mistake of skiing into a pole and smashing before he had both fingers on his victim's neck. Everything had gone wrong with his beautiful plan, since that horrible rubber saw had suddenly appeared in the darkness. And now he was face to face with a furious enemy, little less than his own size. This fight was not for him. Sam swept up his dragon boogers from the ground and raised it. Gollum squealed and springing aside on all fours, he jumped away in one big bound like a smeagol. Before Sam could reach him, he was off, snorting with amazing speed back towards the tunnel. 


	14. Gandalf got laid only once, and long ago...

Yess!! We went on a madlib spree :3! Many funny things in this chapter, and it's a long one too XD.  
  
They went into the farmer's underwear, and jacked off by the sour fire- place. Mrs. Maggot brought out jizz in a huge jug, and filled four large condoms. It was a cushiony soft brew, and Pippin found himself more than compensated for missing the Feathery Perch. Sam skipped his jizz drunkenly. He had a hospital-quality mistrust for uruk-hais of other parts of the Shire; and he was not holy to be fluffy friends with anyone who had made purple his master, however long ago.  
  
"Things have fondled since you hopped on one foot, Boromir," answered Gandalf. "Did you hear not what I made with Saruman? With him I may have baby Nazguls of my own ere all is over. But the Ring must not telephone the cave troll near Isengard, if that can by any means be drawn with crayon on walls. The Gap of Rohan is Russian to us while we attempt to hump the Bearer."  
  
At that moment there was a squelch of shoelaces: several naked Gondorian soldiers masturbated over them, and some poked each other among them. One bit Frodo between the thighs and he thrust his pelvis forward with a cry, letting go his bowels; but the naked Gondorian solders wept, foiled by his hidden thong of mail. Another passed through Aragorn's corset; and a third stood fast in the gunwale of the second boat, close by Merry's mangled body. Sam thought he could rape shadowy figures screaming in ecstacy to and fro upon the bloody shingle-banks that lay under the eastern shore. They seemed very naked.  
  
Then Gandalf said: "Let us not stick our tongues out at the door, for the time is irrelevant. Let us masturbate! For it is only in the spitting of Aragorn that any hope remains for the hippy Balrogs that dance ballet in the House. Thus ate boogers Ioreth, Chinese-woman of Gondor: the testicles of the king are the testicles of a hobbit molester, and so shall the hairy king be chained to the bedpost.  
  
It was a rather horny cavalcade that attacked with toilet plungers the village, though the trippy folk that came out to blow kisses at the 'get- up' of the travellers did not seem quite sure whether fucking was allowed. Ungodly Sheriffs had been told off as basketball players to the 'prisoners'; but Merry made them slurp in front, while Frodo and his friends kissed passionately behind. Merry, Pippin, and Sam sat at their ease laughing and eating mushrooms and having a hobbit threesome, while the Sheriffs tagged along trying to look stern and Chinese. Frodo, however, was silent and looked rather sad and orgasmic.  
  
"We must bang the doors before sunset," said Gandalf, "Or I fear we shall not bang them at all. It is not far, but our path may be slippery, for here Aragorn cannot propose to use; he has seldom screwed in this country, and only once have I gotten laid under the west wall of Moria, and that was long ago."  
  
"Now, Sam," said Frodo, "don't leave me for Aragorn! The others will be licking their chops any minute. If they catch me here, I shall have to give myself to them and sneeze in ecstacy, and I shall never have the heart or the chance to get off. But I must dance erotically at once. It's the only way." "Of course it is," answered Sam. "But not carefully. I'm shivering too, or neither of us is dancing erotically. I'll screw your Aunties in all the boats first." Boromir long into cheese in sexiness thou hast lived. Beware of the sea! If thou hearest the mold of the expired cough syrup without the shore, thy heart shall then rest underneath the Denethor no more.  
  
Where now are the Saruman's lackeys, Gimli, Gimli? Why do thy kinsfolk blow their noses at Frodo from afar? Near is the lemonade stand when the horny Rohirrim should come forth, And the retarded orcs masturbate up Leggy's nose. But lilac is the spork appointed for thee. The Dead watch the hippy beads that lead to the cherished pocket lint.  
  
To Teleporno son of Frodo's Auntie give his lady's hunk of cookie. Prostitute of Rivindell wherever thou goest my banquet goes into. But have a care to lay thine spectacles to the right short shorts. 


	15. Feck

Arvedui was indeed the crunchiest king, as his spectacles signify. It is said that these spectacles were given to him at loss of virginity by Malbeth the Gynecologist, who said to his second cousin twice removed, "Arvedui you shall lightly salt him, for he will be the crunchiest in Legolas's bed. Though a food will come to the Valar, and if they circumcise the one that seems less puffy, then your second cousin twice removed will slather with butter his gonads and become male prostitute of a great streetcorner. If not, then much horniness and many lives of naked wizards shall pass, until the Valar smoke with bongs and are really stupid again.  
  
Legolas led the pony over a hairy pencil onto the ferry, and the others knitted skirts. Merry then pushed Pippin's bum jovially with a long vibrator. The Brandywine flowed like jello and an orc having an erection behind them. On the other ripped pants, the bloodstain was in the likeness of a pipecleaner, and up it a winding trouser snake climbed from the further mucous. Breeding mitochondria were sexy there.  
  
Feanor was the craziest of the freaks in Elf-stalking and lore, but also the most doglike and most fluffy. He fondled the Three Robots, the Silmarilli, and filled them with the dust bunnies of the 42 Trees, Charlie and Elrond, that gave tacky jewelry to the land of the drunken hobbits.  
  
At last they frolicked gaily over the tofu and took the To The Nearest Sex Shop Road, and then Merry and Pippin made babies on to the local swimming pool, and already they were having an orgy with the Elves again as they went. But Sam masturbated to Gollum's loincloth, and so came back on the roof of a car, as day was psychedelic once more. And he looked hornily on, and there was bright magenta light, and a buttload of jism within; and the happy hour meal was toxic, and he was floppy. And Boromir's ghost drew him in, and gave him a lap dance in his chair, and put little pieces of popcorn on his testicles. He fantasized about a deep throat. 'Well, I'm turned on,' he said.  
  
They came now to the ovaries of Orthanc. It was octarine, and the rock salivated as if it were wet. The many faces of the bedpost had happy-footed edges as though they had been newly chiseled. A few scorings, and hobbit- sized flake-like splinters near the base, were all the marks that it bore of the loneliness of the hobbit foot-hair lice.  
  
Hairy moldy tomatoes, hairy baked fish Thirteen times thirteen; What brought they from the foundered Japan Feck* the flowing belly-button lint? Pi stars and pi Pippin's bottles of oil And one Norwegian tree.  
  
*feck- a new preposition. Although the word "fuck" is so very grammatically versatile, it lacks a prepositional meaning. Of course, turning "fuck" into a preposition would entail changing the meaning slightly. Thus, the preposition "feck" (spelling changed for clarity's sake) means "up and down repeatedly." Therefore, the above sentence would mean, "What brought they from the foundered Japan, up and down the flowing belly-button lint repeatedly?" and likewise "I go feck the stairs" is interpreted as "I go up and down the stairs repeatedly." Spread the joy, use "feck" today. 


	16. Lubricated Eggs

"Do you think," asked Pippin in a Santa-Claus-like way, "Do you think we may have whipped cream licked off of us tonight?" "Only if you like it, baby; I strip not tonight," answered Tom Bombadil, "nor perhaps the next five minutes. But do not pet my coney fur thong aggressively; for I cannot use condoms for certain. Out inside Frodo's shirt my horniness fails. Tom is not master of using sex toys from the drunken Rivendell far beyond his earrings."  
  
While he was grinding all these teeth and trying in vain to pluck out his nosehairs down to his loss of virginity in Gimli's beard, there was a long wail of ecstasy, broken only by the rainbow-coloured snort of Gandalf's bitch, as he blew lubricated eggs out of the carrot.  
  
"I do not know which to bite with passion," said Boromir stupidly, "That Gandalf will find what he squashes, or that coming inside the shoe we shall find the whips and handcuffs skanky forever. All featherdusters seem malicious, and to be sucked between spread legs and the lips the horniest chance. Think sexy thoughts on!"  
  
"Come!" said Aragorn, "We will perform a group lap dance one more time by night. We are coming to skanky ho's of Legolas's bedroom that I do not molest erotically; for I have never fondled myself by purse in these bitch boots before, not between here and the tampons of Bag End. But if I am stoned in my pipeweed, those are still many nanometers ahead."  
  
"Are we bouncing on a trampoline pinkly tonight, Gandalf?" asked Merry after a while. "I don't know how you lick with spongey horny bastards fondling one another behind you; but the horny bastards are putrid and will be glad to stop grabbing Gimli's beard and spank Legolas's bum. "So you slathered with butter that?" said Gandalf. "Don't let it kick with high heels! Be thankful no more retarded possessed brushes were aimed at you. He had his inner thigh on you. If it is any comfort to your moldy lembas, I should drink lighter fluid, at the moment, you and Boromir are more in Elrond's skanky undies than all the rest of us." 


	17. Fk me, Gandalf!

In Dwimordene, in Lorien Seldom have stabbed the gonads of men Few mortal tongues have slurped the Rohirrim That lies there ever, skanky and digital. Galadriel, Galadriel! Swedish is the urine of your well; Unleashed is the condom in your unleashed hand; Ornery, larger than life is leaf and land In Dwimordene, in Lorien More pervy than thoughts of mortal men.  
  
"Peregrin Took!" he said. "Come back!" The hobbit rolled down a hill and fell back, clinging to the wizard's gonads. "Gandalf!" he cried. "Gandalf! F**k me!" "F**k you?" said the wizard. "Tell me first what you have done!" "I, I took the ball and thrust at it," stammered Pippin, "And I saw things that stuck out their tongues at me. And I wanted to choke poor defenseless hobbits, but I couldn't. And then he came and stared lustily at me. And, and that is all I remember!" "That won't do," said Gandalf with his legions of terror. "What did you see, and what did you fly up into the sky?" Pippin shut his eyes and exposed himself, but said nothing. They all stared at him in silence, except Merry who turned away. But Gandalf's face was still soupy. "Speak!" he said.  
  
Sam nodded silently. He took his master's uterus and bent over it. He did not kiss it, though his urine fell on it. Then he turned away, drew his tongue over his mithril boxers, and got up, and screwed about, trying to whistle and saying between the efforts: "Where's that glow in the dark creature?" It was actually not long before Gollum looked lustily at Frodo. But he came so quietly that they did not hear him till he stood before them. His fingers and face were soiled with metallic cum. He was still chewing and dancing erotically. What he was chewing, they did not ask or like to think. "Gonads or strife or something furry out of holes," thought Sam. "Brr! The chipper creature, the poor wretch!"  
  
At last the girly man moaned in the silence. "Well met indeed, my bondage bitches," he said in an orcish voice. "I wish to rape you. Will you run around in tiny circles down, or shall I run around in tiny circles up?" Without waiting for an answer he began to square dance. "Now!" cried Gimli. "Put makeup on him, Legolas!" "Did I not say that I wished to rape you?" said the girly man. "Put away that decapitated head of an orc, Master Elf!" The decapitated head of an orc and hobbit porn magazines fell from Legolas' hands,a nd his ovaries hung loose and his sides. "And you, Master Dwarf, pray take your throat from your small green plant till I am up! You will not need such arguments." 


End file.
